3 steps to celebrating the breakup

You CAN be happy it didn’t work out.

Hi there,

In my last message, I shared with you my own experience of heartbreak. Thank you all for the responses, and it feels wonderful to be so deeply supported by this community! One note: I read all of your emails, and though I can’t respond to each and every one, please know how important they are to me.

Today, I’m going to answer a reader’s question with an action plan. 

I was in a relationship for over four years with someone who I thought was my forever person. He wouldn’t commit to me, and it became toxic. He was scared. I took a promotion in another city and had to move, and still no commitment from him. So, I chose myself and ended the relationship. 

It’s been over two years since we broke up, and I still think about him. He is now engaged, and I still regret my decision and wonder what I could have done differently to make it work. I have gone to therapy, focused on making my new city home, journaled, and focused on me, but there is this overwhelming thought that repeats itself in my head: What if?

First of all, you called this toxic, and though I don’t know the details of what you mean, I’m going to assume it was — at the very least — pretty hard. In fact, it’s really hard when one person wants more than the other. And, it’s impossible to build a relationship unless both people are committed to building it. I think, deep down, you know this wouldn’t have worked out. Instead of asking yourself what if, I have three different questions for you.

1. What do you have space for now?

Relationships — good or bad — take up space in our lives. In the best case, that space makes our lives feel bigger, but a bad relationship can make your life feel smaller. A toxic relationship can box you in entirely. Now that the relationship is over, think about the space you have now.

You’ve freed up mental space. You’ve freed up physical space. What do you have space for now? Now, you can finally take painting classes. Now, you can volunteer at the dog adoption center around the corner. Maybe your dresser literally has some empty drawers and you can finally start collecting the vintage clothes you’ve always dreamed of. No matter your answer, that space is yours to fill, and you get to decide how to widen your life now. While a difficult relationship drained you of your power, you now have the agency to reclaim your life.

2. How are you free now?

Even the best of relationships come with compromise, but when your relationship ended, you were given a gift: the gift to truly choose yourself. Now, you can throw yourself into that new career that requires you to prioritize yourself for a while. You can actually consider this move to be a beautiful step in your life and not something tainted by your last partner.

If he wasn’t willing to commit to you, then he probably made you feel deeply rejected or like you weren’t good enough. But now, you have the freedom to truly be yourself instead of making yourself into something he would commit to. You can express yourself. You can fully step into a part of yourself that didn’t have the freedom to fully express in the relationship. 

3. Where is your love going?

Someone once told me that the hardest part of their relationship ending was that she had nowhere to put all the love she’d been directing toward her ex. It felt like it was bubbling up inside of her, and it would eventually burst. Here’s what I told her: Your love has so many places to go.

Since your relationship ended, have you been spending more time with your friends and cultivating deeper relationships with them? Have you started new traditions with your community or seen more of your family? How have you been better able to show up for them and love them? You mentioned making your new city a home: That’s an excellent step. Could you have done that in your last relationship? It seems unlikely to me.

What about a new love? Before, the love available to you was limited. But now, you can find a love that makes you say: Oh, this is what love actually is. This is what it means to be cherished. This is what it means to love.

But most importantly: Maybe the end of the relationship made you go to therapy for the first time. Maybe you’re getting to know yourself and work on yourself. Through this work, maybe you’re able to love yourself fully.

Next week, we’re moving onto a new theme: Fight Better Month. 

The true test of a relationship is how we bounce back from conflict. I’ll be talking about conflict and repair: How we fight, how we hurt each other, and most importantly, how we mend our wounds together.

Going forward, only paid subscribers will receive all four monthly emails.

Free subscribers will continue to receive access to one email per month. You can upgrade now to keep receiving all four emails.

Love,
Jillian