Am I living the life I want?

Your relationship with you.

Hi there,

For this week’s installment of Date Yourself Month, I want to talk about creating the life you want. Because at the end of the day, following a path that feels authentic to you is how you carve a life that feels more meaningful to you. 

One of the key components to strengthening, fortifying, and deepening the relationship we have with ourselves is taking an honest inventory of where we are in our lives and asking ourselves if we are living the life we want to live. A lot of us don’t ask ourselves this question in adulthood — especially as we get older and begin to subconsciously model our lives after our parents’ lives or societal norms. 

In a relationship, the goal is to commit to someone who has your best interests at heart just as much as they have their own — and vice versa. In order to get there, we need to figure out what our best interests really are. To have this kind of honest conversation with ourselves means we’re going to have to confront a lot of beliefs about who we think we’re supposed to be, who society expects us to be, and how all of that has affected our relationship with ourselves. 

So. I want to get very specific about how to understand what an authentic life looks like for you. Ultimately, this critical self-knowledge will help you align with a partner who wants the same things from life that you do. What’s more: You can support each other in getting what you want from life — you can co-create that life together.

These questions are intense, so really set aside some time to sit with them. You may even want to go over them with a trusted friend or therapist.

Photo by Hannah Olinger on Unsplash

1. Are you living the life that you want or the one society has told you to want?

Specifically in early adulthood — our early twenties to early thirties — we get a lot of messaging  around what we should be seeking in all aspects of life, from jobs to relationships to family structures. But this messaging can lead a lot of us astray and make us settle into a career that isn’t rewarding or a relationship that isn’t fulfilling. I want you to really be honest with yourself on this and look at your life decisions and assess how authentic they feel to who you are. 

2. What do you want?

A lot of people don’t know what they want. In fact, I remember being asked this years ago, and I couldn’t answer the question. The truth is, sometimes we don’t know what we want because we haven’t given ourselves permission to desire or permission to create big goals. We get so caught up in the how we’re going to get there that we lose sight of the actual goal. So, write down what you want. Start what you want to feel, experience, create, and contribute.  

3. Are you following a path that you think is expected of you? 

For many of us, it’s hard to know what we want versus what our parents wanted for us. So many of our early decisions are made based on what our parents told us they see for us. And even into adulthood, we fear disappointing our parents. This fear holds us back from expressing ourselves authentically in the world. What I’ve found from working with countless people is that most of the time, the fear isn’t rooted in one’s current reality. Their parents adjust. 

4. Are you following a path that you wanted 10 years ago? Do you still want it?

Human beings are not static creatures. We are constantly changing and growing and adapting. Maybe the path you set out on 10 years ago involved a different set of values. Maybe you’ve learned a lot about yourself since you made the decisions that set you on your path. Give yourself some grace, meet yourself where you are today, and explore the ways you’ve changed. What parts of your life need to play catch up to meet the current you?

5. Can you accept where you are? 

Obviously, we can’t always be totally happy and at peace with our current situation, but no matter what you’re seeking (a relationship, a move, a new job, new community, more money), you must meet yourself in your present moment and accept the person in the mirror. This is the person who is responsible for getting you where you want to go. Do you trust the person staring back at you? Do you believe in them? Can you accept them?

6. What are some of the typical excuses that you use to avoid creating the life you want? 

After you’ve assessed whether or not your life feels aligned and fulfilling for the person you are today, think about what exactly is holding you back. If someone were to ask you right now why you don’t have your dream life, what excuses would you make about the things that hold you back? 

Hidden in these excuses are beliefs about what you’re capable of or what’s possible for you. Confronting these thoughts and proving them to be lies you tell yourself is the final and most important step in living an authentic life. 

So, for now, don’t worry about the “how.” First figure out the what and the why you want it. The strategy comes later. 

Remember: No one can hold us back like ourselves.

And if the story we create about ourselves is that we can’t create the lives we want, we rob ourselves of all agency. 

But you have agency. You have the ability to give yourself what you want. 

Begin today. 

Love,
Jillian

P.S. I’m offering a five-week, live course that starts this Tuesday. We’ll be digging into finding your person from a place of high self-worth, security, and wisdom. The only way to break patterns and find healthy love is to choose yourself. And I’m going to teach you exactly how to do that. You can learn more and register for my Choose Yourself course here.