Don’t fall in love with potential.

You need a partner, not a patient.

Hi there,

I have tried to change and save people in my life. I’ve tried to help them out of their own pain. I’ve tried to give them the world’s strongest support scaffolding to guide them toward healthier choices. So many of us have tried to see the best in the people we date — and to guide them toward their potential. We even see them as a project — an opportunity to build something better.

It’s how we think about codependency these days, but the term actually comes from the psychology of how addiction impacts relationships. It’s a known dynamic between a person struggling with addiction and their non-addict partner, who is desperately trying to get their partner to change. The partner who isn’t an addict loses themself in the relationship, and their life becomes about changing their partner. Worse, it becomes about parenting them — and controlling them.

The partner with an addiction gets to feel special and attended to. It meets their need for significance. And the partner whose entire life has become their loved one’s rehabilitation gets to feel purposeful, needed, indispensable.

That dynamic plays out in relationships all the time, regardless of whether or not addiction enters the picture. Over and over, I see people picking partners as projects — seeing their potential and believing that their love will be enough.

But it’s a losing game. I’m going to share why so many of us pick projects as partners and empower you to choose yourself instead.