Hi there,
When we go through a breakup, our brain and body experience something that closely mirrors withdrawal. The attachment bond — the neural circuitry that connects us to another person — is disrupted. And because that circuitry is designed for survival, it will do almost anything to reestablish contact.
This is why sleeping with your ex can feel like relief in the moment, but land you in total confusion afterward. Biologically, your body registers the closeness as safety. The moment you reconnect, even briefly, your nervous system calms. But once you separate again, the same system is thrown back into distress. It’s a push-and-pull between biology and consciousness.
To truly heal, you have to understand what your mind and body are trying to do, and why following those impulses often deepens the wound rather than closes it.
Human beings are wired to attach.
From infancy, our nervous system develops in response to the availability and responsiveness of others. In adulthood, those same patterns play out in romantic relationships.
When a relationship ends, the brain interprets that separation as a kind of threat. The amygdala — our emotional alarm system — activates. It sends distress signals that say, “I need to reconnect to feel safe.”
Sleeping with your ex temporarily satisfies that signal. It floods your brain with dopamine and oxytocin, the same neurochemicals that bonded you in the first place. You feel comforted, soothed, maybe even “right” again.
But that sense of closeness is misleading, because it’s not coming from genuine emotional reconnection. The system isn’t healed; it’s momentarily quieted.
And when you realize that nothing fundamental has changed: no new safety, no new commitment, no true reconnection, the distress returns. And it’s often stronger.
Yes, trying with your ex can work — sometimes.
There are times when revisiting a past relationship is right. But that requires both people to have done deep, reflective work during their time apart.
It means each person has examined their patterns, regulated their reactivity, and learned to communicate with one another differently. It means both partners are committed to now co-creating safety (and more joy) rather than unconsciously repeating the same cycles.
When this level of growth has occurred, reconnection can become something entirely new — a conscious relationship between two people who are awake to their own patterns, and accountable.
But in most cases, sleeping together doesn’t signal that kind of readiness. It signals the body’s yearning for familiarity and closeness.
🎧 This week on Jillian On Love: How to Actually Manifest Your Soulmate 🎧
[Watch on YouTube] [Listen on Spotify] [Listen on Apple Podcasts]
This week on my podcast, I’m reframing manifesting a soulmate without the woo: Soulmates aren’t found — they’re created through mutual choice, effort, and shared priorities. I define what a soulmate is (and isn’t) — and why passively waiting to be “rescued” keeps you stuck. Then, I break down how nervous system regulation increases clarity, confidence, and discernment so you can actually choose the right partner. The episode closes with simple daily practices to get calm before you date. [Watch on YouTube] [Listen on Spotify] [Listen on Apple Podcasts]
Repetition wounds.
If you’re the one who got broken up with, sex feels like power. It feels like a way to get back what you lost: to feel chosen again, even for a night. But it’s a trap. What you’re really doing is giving them access to you without commitment, validation without accountability. You’re teaching them that they can have you without having to choose you.
And the moment it’s over — when you’re back home alone — that hollow feeling hits. You realize nothing’s changed. Your mind interpreted the closeness as a reunion, and when it’s taken away, the pain doubles. The wound reopens. What you’re feeling is your attachment system being activated again without resolution.
If your ex didn’t treat you well, the impact goes even deeper. Maybe they were inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or even dismissive of your needs. By sleeping with them, you’re not just revisiting the past — you’re reinforcing the very dynamic that hurt you. You’re rewarding behavior that didn’t value you. You’re giving someone access to your body who hasn’t earned the privilege of it. You may think you’re being strong by staying connected, but the truth is, you’re keeping your nervous system stuck in a loop of hypervigilance and longing.
What happens next is predictable: You feel used, unseen, or frustrated with yourself. The power dynamic stays the same: One person takes, the other hopes. That’s how unhealthy cycles perpetuate.
Healing after a breakup means regulating yourself through connection that is reliable: friendship, community, and presence with your own body. It means noticing the impulse to reach out and gently asking, What am I really needing right now?
Healing means allowing yourself to miss someone without confusing that with a reason to go back.
You can make the secure choice.
Sleeping with your ex might feel like a shortcut to relief, but it’s actually a detour away from true security.
Security doesn’t come from temporarily calming the nervous system through old connections. It comes from learning to hold discomfort, to self-soothe, to create new experiences of safety within yourself.
If the relationship can ever be reborn, it will happen through communication, accountability, and genuine growth. Not through just sex. Until then, the most healing act you can do is to protect the boundaries that honor your future self.
Because healing doesn’t happen through repetition of the past.
It happens when you finally decide: It’s time to move forward.
Love,
Jillian
Thank you, Jillian. It needed this. I just had a meetup to talk with the ex. It was a loving talk, but it also brought back our bonding feeling. After our talk, we hugged, and it went on longer than I felt it should, but it was hard to let go. I knew I had to before it led to something more. Like you said, that bonding felt calm, safe again.... but for the first time after a break up, I didn't run back to bed with an ex, I said goodbye with a HUGE lump in my throat and tears in my eyes... but I did it. Thank you again for this Love Weekly. You always know what to say at the correct time for me. Big hugs.
This is a helpful explanation as to why when we know the break-up was the right decision, our minds keep trying to convince us to second guess.