A life-changing lesson I learned about love later in life.

I’m getting personal about my marriage.

Hi there,

I used to think I knew what a real connection was. I felt it when I met my ex-husband, and I was sure: This is it.

When we first met, I felt the spark. We were absolutely attracted to each other. Our banter was quick and easy and natural. We laughed all the time — my sense of humor can be on the dark side, and he was right there with me. It felt like we were totally in sync and compatible right off the bat. I felt incredibly connected to him. 

And it wasn’t all in my head. People would see the connection between us. “You two fit,” people would tell us. “You’re a perfect match.” There was just something between us. It had to be a true, emotional connection, right?

Our marriage didn’t end well.

The greatest misunderstanding of our relationship was that neither of us understood what made a true emotional connection. We didn’t know that connection is fortified by how you repair after a fight. How you work together during hard times. How you have difficult conversations. And when our lives got difficult and we we were faced with major life decisions to make as a couple, we realized we didn’t have an actual foundation to get through it together. We didn’t know how to argue or how to repair. And that incredible connection we had at the beginning wasn’t enough to get us through the worst parts of life. 

We didn’t have a true emotional connection. 

The connection we had wasn’t meaningless. It wasn’t a waste. But it was something to explore over time and see what developed — it wasn’t the sign that he was my life partner, or that I was his. 

When my marriage ended and I rebuilt my life around understanding romantic relationships, I finally understood that the connection we feel in the beginning is not the same thing as true emotional connection. A true emotional connection takes the entire first year of a relationship. It’s not something that happens right away. It’s built.

When a relationship ends after just a month or two, I often hear people tell me they’re devastated because they’ve lost this emotional connection. But the hard truth is that many people don’t experience a real emotional connection, because as I said, it takes time and care to build.

At its core, a real emotional connection is made of trust and safety. It’s: Do I feel safe enough to really be myself? Have we dealt with an obstacle together as a united team? Do I have faith that an argument won’t end our relationship? 

This feeling of safety and trust comes from hard conversations. It comes from getting through things together. It comes from understanding each other’s patterns and your needs. It comes from a commitment to growing together. This kind of foundation simply doesn’t exist at the beginning.

I have really come to understand the difference between chemistry and true emotional intimacy. I’ve seen how emotional connection helps us mature. It makes us grow. And unlike initial chemistry, a true emotional connection leads to mature, healthy relationships that can withstand the worst parts of life and magnify the joy the rest of the time. Knowing the difference is everything. Knowing the difference will change your life. 

Love,
Jillian