From anxious to secure: no more projects as partners.

You need more.

Hi there,

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about insecurity in relationships as it relates to anxiety, self-worth, and all insecure attachment — and how moving from insecure to secure is a transition that requires active, dedicated work.

And I want to dive into a reality that keeps so many of us trapped in insecurity and anxiety. I want to speak to the “fixers.”

How do you know if you’re a fixer?

You get into relationships with people who have big problems that prevent them from being all in and showing up for you. And, unconsciously, you believe it’s your job to reform them in some way. In fact, it’s likely you’ve derived a large part of your significance by being the “healer” or “therapist” to your partners. It makes you feel needed. And the more needed you feel, the less anxious you are that the person will leave you. 

See how this works?

Maybe you’ve had people say you’re “too good” for them, or maybe you’ve dated a string of people who have trauma they’ve never dealt with. Maybe you’ve fallen for one too many people with histories of addiction. In all of these scenarios, you’re the rock of the relationship. You’re the empathizer. The one who keeps giving second and third chances to people who’ve hurt you.

You’re the one who gives and gives and gives some more. 

It’s not an inherently bad thing to be the rock, and it might serve you in other areas of your life. But, you are not a rehabilitation center for bad behavior. 

Here’s what I mean, and today, we’re going to get really honest.