Hi there,
There comes a moment after an emotionally draining, unhealthy relationship when you realize that although you’re no longer in it, part of you is still stuck. The body might be free, but the mind is still trapped in the replay: what was said, what went wrong, what you could have done differently. You’ve spent so long surviving the relationship that it feels strange to imagine what living might look like again.
Unhealthy relationships consume enormous amounts of energy. They pull us into a constant state of vigilance — walking on eggshells, trying to manage someone else’s moods, sacrificing our needs to keep the peace. They leave very little room for joy, for creativity, for spontaneity. When every day feels like an emotional balancing act, there’s no space left for play.
And when it ends, there’s a void.
At first, that void feels unbearable. You might mistake it for loneliness, but often what you’re really feeling is the absence of chaos. You’ve become so accustomed to the adrenaline of instability that calm feels foreign. You don’t yet know how to rest in peace without mistaking it for emptiness.
This is the moment where real healing begins — the healing that comes from reclaiming your life.
I’m a big believer in processing after a breakup. It’s important. You need to let yourself feel. You need to cry, to grieve, to rage, to release. You need to reflect on what happened and how you showed up. You need to take responsibility for your behavior and the parts of you that stayed too long, ignored the red flags, and who likely didn’t behave their best, either.
That’s all sacred work. It’s how we learn. But sometimes, processing becomes a place we live instead of a place we visit.
I’ve seen so many brilliant, compassionate, self-aware women get stuck here. Whereas a lot of men may move on too quickly without enough processing, I’ve found that many women don’t move on quickly enough. They stay in the energy of the past for years, turning the same memories over and over, trying to find meaning, closure, or justice that will never come. They say, “I’m still healing,” when what they’re really doing is staying in emotional survival mode long after the danger has passed.
Healing is not meant to be a life sentence.