Retroactive Jealousy

…and what to do about it

Hi there,

We’re wrapping up our all-reader-question month with a question about jealousy — the jealousy that comes from obsessing about your partner’s past. 

Here’s what our reader has to say:

Jillian, 

I met a great lady a few months ago, and we are in a serious relationship. We really like each other, and I think she is a great person.

However, there are two areas I struggle with in our relationship. The first one is that she has many past relationships that I struggle to not be jealous of — one of them was with a very well known rock and roll star. She says she regrets most of those old lovers and that they don't matter anymore. I believe her, but I still find myself trying to measure up to those younger lovers who I feel inferior to in some ways. We are both about 60 years old now. In addition to her lovers she was married and divorced three times. She explained her divorces to me and has a pretty good reason for each of those situations. The last one she got dumped on by her jerk ex-husband of 18 years. I am a widower after a 30-year relationship with my deceased wife.

My second concern is that she is a people pleaser and often spreads herself too thin, leaving less time for our relationship. I think she does recognize this fact and is going to work on it, but it is still frustrating for me. 

I understand how hard this feels, and I want to get super direct with this reader about how to handle his retroactive jealousy. 

Let’s get into it.