Should we avoid avoidants?

Start choosing people who treat you well.

Hi there,

This month, I’m answering your questions. I find that hearing your specific, personal questions always unearths something that resonates with other readers, and if you have questions, send them my way! (You can reply directly to this email.)

This week, a reader wants to know if he should avoid avoidants in his love life.

Hi Jillian,

I myself lean towards anxiously attached and have dated a woman who's an avoidant on and off for almost two years. I never even knew what attachment styles were until I read the book Attached back in February 2024. I was shocked to see how she checked each box; mixed signals in the beginning of the relationship, breadcrumbing, dumping me more times than I can count, only to come back weeks or months later telling me she had changed and wanted more with me. I’ve tried to protect myself, too, but eventually gave in to contacting her; blocked her on social media, email, cellphone and even recently moved out of the building we shared (I lived on one floor and her on a higher one).

However, with the most recent breakup she did cheat on me — her excuse saying she used the act to officially ensure I wouldn’t take her back again. It was heartbreaking and I still do hold love for her, but she’s right — I won’t take her back or ever trust her again.

I guess my question to you is this: Should we even try to date avoidants in the future or run at the first tell tale sign of the attachment style? My own experience now tells me to never try again. 

Let’s get into it.