Stop calling yourself anxious or avoidant.

What no one tells you about attachment.

Hi there,

We talk a lot about attachment these days. It’s common to hear “I’m anxious,” or “He’s avoidant,” as if these labels tell us everything we need to know about a person or relationship.

But attachment isn’t a fixed identity — it’s a set of patterns that emerge in certain contexts. And here’s the thing: Insecure attachment isn’t always what it looks like on the surface. What people often don’t realize is that context, fear, and self-identity all play a much bigger role than the neat little labels suggest.

Let me explain.

When it comes to attachment, context matters.

A woman I worked with years ago had started spiraling in her relationship. Her boyfriend was attentive, supportive, and affectionate. He was wonderful. Yet the more present he was, the more she doubted him. She texted constantly. She wanted reassurance over and over. If he didn’t respond right away, she panicked. If his attention wandered, she picked a fight. He felt like nothing he did was enough.

He told her, “I feel like I’m failing, no matter what I do. I can’t win.” And he was right. He could bend over backwards, but if she didn’t trust him, the reassurance he gave would never land. The irony? She had become selfish. She wasn’t trying to hurt him, but her behavior was hurting him anyway.

So what was really going on?