I have a question I’ve been sitting with lately; How do I discern the difference between “I need to heal from my last relationship” and just using healing as a protective mechanism from meeting someone new? I’m scared Jillian. My last relationship was a brutal on/off with discards (not breakups) being the default
Question for Jillian: I’m 50 and have done a lot of processing to identify my past patterns. Everytime I meet a man that I’m curious about, they are already in a relationship or if single don’t reciprocate a level of interest. I don’t do dating apps, not my thing. I hear the story I’m saying, not many available men around that I’m interested in. Yet my experiences support this. What’s your advice? Thank you 💖
My question: What do you do when you’re in a healthy, loving relationship where you feel safe, prioritized, and genuinely cared for…but you struggle to feel that same level of desire or sexual urgency? Especially if you’ve noticed you used to associate stronger passion with partners who didn’t treat you well. How do you rewire attraction so it aligns with emotional safety instead of chaos?
My question is around how our closest adult relationships can influence and affect our core attachment style, we bring in from childhood.
Personally although I entered adulthood leaning towards anxious, and my first 2 relationships we’re satisfying (I can now identify looking back, that they were with women who were anxious and secure) since then, I now believe I was pulled further out into anxiety and then even hyper vigilance by choosing (subconsciously I now realise) partners over decades that leant towards avoidance or disorganised.
“They are the most revealing ones available to you in the early stages of knowing someone.” This is so accurate and realizing this a while ago would have saved me a lot of heartache.
From my experience this list is amazingly on point. These green flags are imperative, and I appreciate how you shift the focus from red flags to ensuring the green flags are present. It’s a helpful reframe and essential list I will refer to frequently. Thank you 🙏
Question: I recently broke up with my girlfriend of four years due to her personality being more outgoing, friendly and mine being more introverted, less talkative and reserved.
I know that she undoubtedly loved and cared for me which is why I tried to make it work but I found myself feeling unprioritized and neglected because it felt that she preferred to be and was genuinely happier around her outgoing family and friends which left me feeling alone. Although she expressed to me that the relationship was something she truly wanted and showed up consistently, my mind and body felt that I just couldn’t trust that she truly wanted to be with me. From a past experience of being cheated on because I wasn’t as outgoing and preferred to be at home, I took this as a sign to leave. I don’t know if I made the right decision but I can’t seem to stop thinking about it. Was this a core wound triggered of not being able to trust and do you think I sabotaged the relationship? Is it repairable and what advice do you have on healing from this.
I don’t think I ever met a man like that in my 62 years of dating and a short marriage. I can’t even imagine what that must be like to have someone with all these qualities. Every man I’ve been with just wants to run away when things get hard.
I can relate to this Niamh, thanks for sharing. It’s a pattern I am very aware of. For me I know I have invested emotionally based on initial honeymoon feelings and future potential. I then would accommodate the not being a priority. It was familiar. I also didn’t know how to express my needs. I kept quiet. Lost myself. Hope you get great insights from Jillian 💖
I have a question I’ve been sitting with lately; How do I discern the difference between “I need to heal from my last relationship” and just using healing as a protective mechanism from meeting someone new? I’m scared Jillian. My last relationship was a brutal on/off with discards (not breakups) being the default
Question for Jillian: I’m 50 and have done a lot of processing to identify my past patterns. Everytime I meet a man that I’m curious about, they are already in a relationship or if single don’t reciprocate a level of interest. I don’t do dating apps, not my thing. I hear the story I’m saying, not many available men around that I’m interested in. Yet my experiences support this. What’s your advice? Thank you 💖
My question: What do you do when you’re in a healthy, loving relationship where you feel safe, prioritized, and genuinely cared for…but you struggle to feel that same level of desire or sexual urgency? Especially if you’ve noticed you used to associate stronger passion with partners who didn’t treat you well. How do you rewire attraction so it aligns with emotional safety instead of chaos?
Super helpful summary!
My question is around how our closest adult relationships can influence and affect our core attachment style, we bring in from childhood.
Personally although I entered adulthood leaning towards anxious, and my first 2 relationships we’re satisfying (I can now identify looking back, that they were with women who were anxious and secure) since then, I now believe I was pulled further out into anxiety and then even hyper vigilance by choosing (subconsciously I now realise) partners over decades that leant towards avoidance or disorganised.
“They are the most revealing ones available to you in the early stages of knowing someone.” This is so accurate and realizing this a while ago would have saved me a lot of heartache.
From my experience this list is amazingly on point. These green flags are imperative, and I appreciate how you shift the focus from red flags to ensuring the green flags are present. It’s a helpful reframe and essential list I will refer to frequently. Thank you 🙏
I love this . Thank you Jillian!
Glad it resonated!
Question: I recently broke up with my girlfriend of four years due to her personality being more outgoing, friendly and mine being more introverted, less talkative and reserved.
I know that she undoubtedly loved and cared for me which is why I tried to make it work but I found myself feeling unprioritized and neglected because it felt that she preferred to be and was genuinely happier around her outgoing family and friends which left me feeling alone. Although she expressed to me that the relationship was something she truly wanted and showed up consistently, my mind and body felt that I just couldn’t trust that she truly wanted to be with me. From a past experience of being cheated on because I wasn’t as outgoing and preferred to be at home, I took this as a sign to leave. I don’t know if I made the right decision but I can’t seem to stop thinking about it. Was this a core wound triggered of not being able to trust and do you think I sabotaged the relationship? Is it repairable and what advice do you have on healing from this.
I have a question...I have turned 39 and I am not still with the love of my life, how should I stop letting my age bothering me
Loved this!
I don’t think I ever met a man like that in my 62 years of dating and a short marriage. I can’t even imagine what that must be like to have someone with all these qualities. Every man I’ve been with just wants to run away when things get hard.
I can relate to this Niamh, thanks for sharing. It’s a pattern I am very aware of. For me I know I have invested emotionally based on initial honeymoon feelings and future potential. I then would accommodate the not being a priority. It was familiar. I also didn’t know how to express my needs. I kept quiet. Lost myself. Hope you get great insights from Jillian 💖