They’re great, except for…

A reader question on physical attraction

Hi there,

We’re well into our March focus on desire, and this week, I’m answering a reader question about attraction. Can it grow?

I’m just starting to see someone new, and I really like him. He’s funny and kind, and we can talk for hours. We align on important values. 

But, I’m not that physically drawn to him — he’s not my usual physical type. (He’s not bad-looking at all! But when I look at him, I don’t exactly want to tear his clothes off.)

I just don’t feel the spark like I have in the past with others. 

We do have some intense, non-sexual chemistry — intellectual chemistry and emotional chemistry. But I want to want him.

My question is: Can sexual desire and attraction grow when it’s not there from the start? If so, how? And if not, what should I do here? I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to lose that part of myself, either.

This is a tough one, but it’s not an impossible situation. Let me explain. 

The short answer is: If you want a physical relationship with someone, you have to be physically attracted to them. It doesn’t matter how aligned your values are or how much you like each other.

So, if you meet someone and are absolutely repelled by them, nothing’s going to grow.

But if you’re really connected with someone and they simply aren’t your type — or you don’t feel that electric chemistry — there’s plenty of room for something to develop. 

So many of my friends and clients have seen attraction and desire grow as they became more deeply connected with potential partners. They might have started off drawn to the person’s mind, values, or character, but not particularly blown away by their sex appeal. But they were surprised to find that with more time spent together, their emotional, mental, and often spiritual connection deepened, and with that deepening, physical attraction grew. Essentially, the other grew on them — a lot. The things that stood in the way of physical attraction, like someone not being their “type,” evaporated. (I’ve experienced this, too, in my own life — with more than one person.) 

Remember, the person you immediately feel sexual electricity with may not be the best person for you — and while each case is unique, that kind of spark isn’t necessarily likely to sustain a long-term partnership. And if you’ve been down this road of confusing desire for value and had it end in a storm of unmet needs and chaos, it’s well worth your time to give someone a chance and see what kind of desire can develop. 

So yes. Attraction can grow from focusing on the areas of intense connection. If you say that your chemistry is off the charts in non-sexual areas, foster those. Lean into the connection you describe. For the next few weeks, see if it’s possible to embrace the slow burn and see if that deepens physical attraction.

To this reader: My instinct is that you should perhaps give it a bit more time. Get to know him. Try to figure him out — peeling back the layers of a person as you learn more and more about them can be its own erotic experience. And you might find that by being able to be your authentic self around him, you feel safe, and that might open up a big door to sexual intimacy. Start with the chemistry you do have. 

And if after a few weeks, nothing deepens, you’ll know you gave it the best shot you could. Sometimes, it just doesn’t come together, and then it’s time to move on. But other times, attraction grows based on the slow burn of getting to really know someone. Sometimes, that person can become the hottest person in the world to you. I’ve witnessed this many, many times. 

I’d love to hear about your experiences of growing attraction. If you’re open to sharing, I’m listening.

Love,
Jillian