This is how I became securely attached
A post for all subscribers
Hi there,
There’s a paradox at the heart of emotional security. The more we search for it in others, the more elusive it becomes. But the moment we begin to build it internally — through intentional practices and hard-won insight — it begins to shape every aspect of our lives, from our relationships to our sense of meaning and purpose.
This is the story of how I became a secure woman. It wasn’t by luck or timing, but by learning — sometimes painfully — how to anchor my worth internally rather than externally.
I used to believe emotional safety would come once I found the right person. The right relationship. The right conditions. But what I discovered is something researchers, philosophers, and spiritual teachers have said for centuries: External circumstances cannot create inner peace. Only you can do that.
And it begins with one thing: self-knowledge.
In my early relationships, I had very little self-knowledge. Like many people, I was living out patterns I didn’t yet recognize. I confused anxiety with passion. I silenced my needs for fear of being “too much.” I tried to earn love by being adaptable, undemanding, agreeable.
I was outsourcing my sense of security. And the cost was high: inner fragmentation, resentment, and repeated disappointment.
Then came a season of personal upheaval — heartbreak, grief, disillusionment. These moments have a way of stripping you down to what’s essential. And in my case, they gave me a mirror.
What I saw wasn’t weakness. It was a woman who had never been taught how to trust herself. A woman who didn’t learn about healthy love. Who could nurture others but hadn’t yet learned to nurture her own inner world.
That’s where the journey began — not with a breakthrough, but with a reckoning.
What followed was not a straight line. It was a series of choices, micro-decisions made in the privacy of everyday life.
First, I had to learn what I actually needed.
Not what I was conditioned to believe I should want. Not what others expected of me. But what I — deep down — required to feel safe, supported, and whole.
I began mapping those needs with precision and compassion. I stopped labeling them as weaknesses and started seeing them as data. As signals. As the architecture of my emotional integrity.
I started setting boundaries — not to keep people out, but to invite the right ones in. I practiced saying no. I practiced asking for what I wanted. And when it scared me, I did it anyway.
This is what researchers on emotional well-being have long known: We do not develop self-respect by being treated well. We develop it by treating ourselves well — even when it’s hard.
I also began healing the deeper narratives that had shaped my identity.
Many of us walk through life believing unconscious scripts: That love is conditional. That being “too much” will drive people away. That our value lies in what we give, not in who we are. These scripts are often formed in childhood and reenacted in adulthood. And unless we examine them, we will keep living them.
For me, healing meant rewriting those scripts. It meant acknowledging where I had over-functioned, over-given, and over-performed to feel worthy.
And it meant choosing a new story: I don’t have to earn love. I already am it.
This shift wasn’t theoretical. It was behavioral. I started choosing differently. Leaving relationships that were misaligned. Saying yes to opportunities that scared me. Speaking up even when my voice shook. I began stretching past my comfort zone.
In short, I began to trust myself. And that’s when everything changed.
In my work, I often say: You don’t find the great relationship. You build it. The same is true for security. It’s not something you stumble into. It’s something you cultivate—through practice, through self-awareness, through courage.
Security is not something someone gives you. It’s something you build, one aligned choice at a time. One honest conversation at a time. One brave boundary at a time.
It’s the product of aligning your life with your values. Of choosing purpose over people-pleasing. Of being willing to stretch beyond the familiar to become the person your future depends on.
And yes — it’s also about connection. But the kind of connection that arises from two sovereign people, not one trying to complete the other.
Today, I am a secure woman. Not because I never feel anxious — I do, but because I no longer run from it. Not because I’ve arrived, but because I know how to return to myself again and again.
My north star isn’t perfection. It’s integrity. My safety doesn’t come from being liked. It comes from being aligned.
And the most beautiful part? This is available to anyone.
You don’t need to be fearless. You just need to be willing. Willing to stop abandoning yourself. Willing to challenge the old stories. Willing to build something new — starting with the way you relate to you.
Love,
Jillian
I have a special invitation for the women of Love Weekly: I’m officially relaunching The Conscious Woman, a space I created for women. Join me in becoming the most secure, grounded, and self-choosing version of yourself.
This isn’t just a membership. It’s a home for your transformation.
Inside, you’ll get:
Step-by-step teachings on developing secure attachment, healing emotional patterns, and rewriting your inner narrative
Live coaching and Q&As with me to guide you through the real moments — the triggers, the questions, the breakthroughs
A supportive community of women doing the work with you, so you’re never alone
The tools you need to create lasting change — in your relationship with yourself, your partner, and everyone around you
Because becoming secure isn’t something you do in isolation. It’s something you do in connection — with guidance, with practice, and with support. And The Conscious Woman gives you all of that.
Seats are limited and those on the waitlist are guaranteed access.
Love this so much Jillian, thanks for sharing your gifts with the world!
Thank you for sharing your gift, I am humbled and honored by it.