Walking Away From the Wrong Person

Know your worth.

Hi there,

A relationship is not coming to find you because you are a good person.

I know that is not what anyone wants to hear. But I think it is one of the most important things I can say, because I have watched so many people — genuinely good, genuinely loving people —organize their entire romantic lives around the belief that goodness is its own kind of guarantee. That if they are patient enough, consistent enough, loving enough, the right person will eventually show up, and it will all make sense.

And I have been that person. I have stayed in situations longer than I should have because I was convinced that my effort meant something. That my consistency would eventually tip the scales. That if I just kept showing up, the person on the other side would finally show up too — fully, completely, in the way I actually needed them to.

It doesn’t work that way. And I think a lot of us learn that the hard way.

Here is what I know now: a relationship is not something that happens to you when you have finally become worthy of it.

It is the result of choices — specific, honest, sometimes uncomfortable choices about who you give your time to, how long you stay when you know you shouldn’t, and whether you are willing to hold a standard even when holding it is lonely.

And the hardest choice is always the letting go.

Because walking away from someone you care about never feels clean. It doesn’t feel empowering in the moment, regardless of what anyone tells you. It feels like loss. It feels like maybe you gave up too soon, maybe you didn’t try hard enough, maybe if you had just handled things differently, it would have turned into what you wanted. That story is very convincing. It is also rarely true.

Here is what I have learned about the person who doesn’t fully choose you back, so you can decide what to do next.