Were you single on Valentine’s Day?

Here’s the thing you need to know about finding love.

So.

It’s the day after Valentine’s Day. And if you’re single — whether you’ve been single for a long time or are freshly heartbroken — you might be feeling down. But here’s a little perspective for you: Valentine’s Day is just a day. And it’s actually a day when many couples argue. 

But I do understand that the day can feel a bit unsettling. Overwhelmed by manufactured images of couples, you might be facing fear that you’re running out of time or you aren’t going to meet someone. You might be afraid that you’ll have to do life alone. 

And you might be concerned that you always choose the wrong partners. Maybe you’re struggling to trust yourself when it comes to love.

If this is you, it’s really important that you know this piece of information I’m about to share. It took me until my divorce to realize how important this was, and I truly, deeply believe that this should be taught to people much, much younger than I was when I had my realization. 

If you want a fun, sexy adventure, by all means, go for a super hot person with whom you have nothing in common. You know that they’re totally wrong for you, and you don’t even really have any interest in them emotionally. Have fun! Do thrilling things and be wild. 

But you absolutely must understand that this person is not your life partner. 

The most important skill you will learn as you date is to distinguish between flings and partners. These are simply not the same people, and you cannot change one into the other. (Trying to change a fling into a partner, by the way, is a one-way ticket to a situationship.)

I am absolutely not telling you to never have a fling. Or many flings! Everyone is entitled to their movie-version, sexy adventure. But if you want to build a life with someone, there are different things to look for. 

If you want to build a life with someone, you need more. A lot more.

Because your life is guaranteed to have really hard moments. There will be heartbreak and grief and sickness and stress. And your fling won’t be able to show up. Your life partner will.

So when you’re dating, you need to know of a potential partner: Will they stick by my side when things get hard? Will they protect me when the shit hits the fan? Will this person be my family? Will this person be my best friend? 

This kind of connection takes time to build — of course it doesn’t happen overnight. But if you’re six months in and unsure if they have your back, it’s a major red flag. And it can be devastating, but it’s time to seriously reevaluate.

As for the green flags? They’re loyal. They really stick by people — and you can see it in the way they treat their friends and family. They’re consistent. They’re trustworthy. And they want to be by your side. 

This isn’t to say that relationships like this can’t have the chemistry and attraction we also need. But chemistry isn’t enough. Attraction isn’t enough. So please don’t give your heart away to someone just because there’s chemistry and a great “connection.”

It’s really beautiful to fantasize about sharing our lives with someone. It means that we want to invite someone in and to feel the multiplying good of love. But trust me when I say that the good isn’t enough — we need someone who will stick by us in the bad. And as you look to date this year, I need you to practice distinguishing between the charm of a fling and the real, true chemistry of a life. 

See you next week.

Love,
Jillian