What actually counts as cheating in a relationship? And what falls into that murky territory that is not technically infidelity but is still crossing a line?
In today’s world, this conversation has never been more necessary. Social media has made it easier than ever to stay connected to people you have history with, to get little hits of attention from strangers, and to keep invisible threads tied to people you should have let go of a long time ago. So where exactly is the line between normal human behavior and something that is threatening your relationship?
The best framework I have ever heard for this is simple: If you would not do it with your partner sitting right there, you probably should not be doing it.
That is it. That is the whole test.
I was recently speaking with a 27-year-old woman who had been with her boyfriend for about seven months. One of their recurring arguments was that he still followed, and occasionally liked the photos of, two women he had dated and slept with in the year before they got together. His defense was that they were friends. Her point was that they were not really friends; they were people he had been intimate with, and the continued engagement made her uncomfortable.
What I noticed in their dynamic is something I see all the time. She expressed a concern, and he immediately got defensive about his autonomy. He dug his heels in about his right to follow whoever he wanted. And suddenly the conversation was no longer about the actual issue.
It became a power struggle.
Here is the truth about that situation. She cannot tell him who to follow. Nobody can control another person’s behavior in a relationship, and the moment you try, you lose the entire conversation. What she can do is be clear about her values and her standards and then make decisions based on whether those standards are being met.
But here’s what I would like to say to him, and to anyone in a similar position. Ask yourself honestly why you are still following and engaging with people you used to sleep with. If you sit with that question long enough and you are actually being truthful with yourself, the answers are usually something like this: You are bored. You enjoy the dopamine hit of a like or a comment. You have not fully let go. You need the reminder that you are still relevant to them. You want an ego boost on a day when you are not feeling great about yourself.
None of those answers are villainous. They are human. But they are also nothing. And when you are in a committed relationship, they are worth examining.
I had my own version of this experience a few years ago with someone I was dating. He would consistently like and send heart emojis to attractive women he did not even know, always fitness or wellness accounts, never his professional contacts. I brought it up, and he brushed it off as nothing. But I pushed back and asked him honestly whether it was actually nothing. And to his credit, he paused, thought about it, and eventually admitted that maybe there was something there about wanting a moment of flirtation or to feel noticed. That level of honesty was something I respected. The behavior itself pointed to a values mismatch that was part of why it ultimately failed.
Now let me talk about something even more nuanced: long-term relationships.
You have been with someone for years, maybe decades. You go somewhere without them, and an attractive person pays you attention. There’s a little flirt. A little excitement. And you feel something you haven’t felt in a while.
That is human. And also, it’s not exactly full of integrity unless you have an understanding with your partner that you can flirt when you’re out with your friends.
Again. If you wouldn’t do it or say it if your partner was sitting right next to you, it’s not something you want to do - if you want your relationship to be a place of trust and respect.
Instead, take that feeling home. Bring the flirt home to your partner or spouse. Because almost always, that kind of experience is pointing to something. A disconnection in your relationship, a loss of intimacy, or your own self-esteem being low. It could also be a sign that you need more adventure, or more fun with your partner. Those are conversations worth having, uncomfortable as they are. Letting an hour-long emotionally intimate conversation with a stranger replace that conversation is how you end up in emotional affair territory without ever intending to get there.
What are your values? What kind of relationship do you actually want? What are you willing to protect, and what are you willing to let slide? Most people never ask themselves these questions. And most couples don’t have these kinds of conversations.
The question that cuts through it all is still the same one. Would you do this if your partner were sitting right there watching?
If the answer is no, you already know what it means.
Love,
Jillian