Why You Keep Going Back to the Person Who Hurt You
And how to stop.
Hi there,
Have you ever found yourself back in the arms — or inbox — of someone who once shattered you?
You knew better. Your friends staged interventions. Your therapist raised an eyebrow. Even your gut screamed Don’t do it! And yet, one quiet Tuesday evening, you cracked the door open again. Just a little.
“How have you been?” A moment of contact that spiraled into another chapter of a story you swore you’d closed.
The moment you sent that text, you probably told yourself that this time would be different. It’s one of the most damaging lies we tell ourselves.
We think we can keep the relationship casual. That we’ve “grown.” That we know better now. We believe we can manage our expectations and play the game with detachment.
But you’re not a robot. You are human. And humans cannot spend consistent time — physical, emotional, sexual — with someone and remain unaffected. You will expect. You will hope. You will attach. And when the pattern repeats? You’ll crash again. That crash doesn’t mean you’re doomed. It means the cycle isn’t about them — it’s about you.
If this is familiar, you’re not alone. In fact, this very cycle is one of the most common — yet least understood — patterns I see in my work.
We often think of going back to someone who’s hurt us as a sign of weakness. But what if it’s not about weakness at all? What if it’s a profound signal that your emotional system is trying desperately to meet a need you don’t yet know how to meet?
Let me explain.