10 Things to Never Do With Your Partner
...and what to do instead.
Hi there,
Every relationship has ruptures. But the couples who feel secure aren’t the ones who avoid conflict — they’re the ones who repair with emotional maturity.
In my work, I’ve seen how small, repeated, and often unconscious behaviors can slowly chip away at the emotional safety between two people. Many of us are repeating patterns we inherited from childhood or past relationships. The good news? These patterns can be unlearned.
Here are 10 things to never do with your partner if you want to create a conscious, connected, emotionally safe relationship — and what to do instead:
1. Don’t argue when you’ve been drinking.
Alcohol lowers inhibition, disrupts emotional regulation, and fuels reactivity. You might say something you deeply regret — or hear something you can’t un-hear. Instead, if tension arises after drinking, name it and table the conversation. “Let’s talk about this when we’re clear-headed. I care too much to get this wrong.”
2. Don’t use their vulnerabilities against them.
Weaponizing what someone shared in confidence is a betrayal. It erodes psychological safety instantly. Instead, protect their vulnerability, even in conflict. Say, “I know this is sensitive for you, and I want to be mindful of that as we talk.” Emotional generosity is honoring someone’s pain even when you’re in pain, too.
3. Don’t threaten the relationship during conflict.
Saying “maybe we should break up” in the middle of a fight creates instability. Instead, stick with the issue. If the relationship truly needs to be evaluated, do that outside the heat of the moment.
4. Don’t compare them to someone else.
Especially not an ex. Comparison activates shame, not growth. It never results in change — just resentment. Instead, speak from your needs, not your judgments. “I’d love to feel more supported/desired/heard in this area. Can we talk about what that might look like together?”
🎙️🎙️🎙️ This week on my podcast, I’m tackling the three signs your relationship is secure.
If you’ve ever felt like you’re walking on eggshells in a relationship, this episode is a must-listen. I unpack what it really means to feel emotionally safe in a romantic relationship — and why it’s absolutely essential. From trust and consistency to the ability to argue without fear, I share what emotional safety looks like, how to build it, and why your nervous system depends on it. I also explores the role of self-trust, co-regulation, and how to know whether the problem lies with your partner — or within you. Listen here or watch here.
5. Don’t dismiss their emotions.
Phrases like “You’re overreacting” or “You’re too sensitive” shut down emotional expression and reinforce the fear that we are not enough. Instead, remember that you don’t have to agree to validate. Try: “I see that this really impacted you. Help me understand more.” Curiosity heals where defensiveness wounds.
6. Don’t keep score.
Scorekeeping leads to bitterness, not balance. Relationships aren’t 50/50 every day — they’re about showing up, not settling debts. Instead, focus on the system, not the score. “I’ve been feeling stretched lately — can we check in on how we’re dividing things?” Use collaboration, not competition.
7. Don’t involve outsiders in your fights.
Venting to a friend might feel validating, but it can breed division and distort the narrative. It also violates the sacred container of the relationship. Instead, process your emotions first. Then bring your concerns directly to your partner. If outside support is needed, use a therapist or coach — someone trained to hold neutrality.
8. Don’t interrupt or talk over them.
This often comes from the need to defend, not understand. But it leaves your partner feeling unheard and unseen. Instead, breathe. Pause. Listen with the intention to understand, not to respond. When both people feel safe to speak, both feel more respected.
9. Don’t use silence as punishment.
Needing a time out is different than stonewalling. Silent treatment is emotional withdrawal used to control — it punishes instead of repairs. And, it’s abusive. Instead, if you need time, name it. “I want to work through this with you, but I need a little time to regulate first. Can we reconnect in a few hours?”
10. Don’t expect them to read your mind.
Unspoken needs are the fastest way to unmet needs. Expecting mind-reading leads to disappointment, resentment, and disconnection. Instead, be direct and gentle. “I’ve been needing more help connection lately. Can we talk about it?” Vulnerability invites intimacy.
Relationships truly are laboratories for healing when we put in the work. Every couple has moments they wish they could take back—but the real power lies in how we repair and how we grow forward.
We’re not taught these things in school. Most of us learned how to relate from what was modeled to us — and a lot of it wasn’t healthy. But awareness changes everything.
Love,
Jillian
All amazing advice! Good to have this in mind before the point of escalation
I'm glad for this advise, it works across the board with all relationships ie friends/ family/ work colleagues.