7 Ways To Improve Your Relationship With Yourself

Starting today.

Hi there,

When people talk about improving their relationships with themselves, they often imagine something abstract like “love yourself more".

But I see it as something more layered. You are not a fixed identity. You are a continually evolving human being who can make new choices in any moment. When you’re in a healthy relationship with yourself, you approach your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors with curiosity rather than judgment. You notice patterns without turning them into life sentences. You allow room for change. You stop living inside rigid stories about who you are and start participating in who you’re becoming. At its core, your relationship to yourself is determined by your willingness to remain conscious, flexible, and engaged with your own growth.

Here are seven ways to improve your relationship with yourself.

1. Learn to regulate

Emotional regulation is often misunderstood as simply “calming down” or pausing before reacting. Those skills matter (a lot), but true regulation goes deeper. It is the ongoing practice of becoming a steward of your inner world. Emotional regulation is often described as controlling or containing feelings, but that is not true. We are emotional beings, designed to feel a full range of emotions daily. Instead, to become the stewards of our inner world, we must recognize that stress and distress are not caused by events alone. They are caused by the meanings we assign to events. Something happens. A text goes unanswered. A tone feels different. A plan changes. Within seconds, a narrative forms: they do not care, I am not important, this always happens. I am unsafe.

At that point, you are no longer responding to what occurred. You are responding to what you think it all means for you.

So yes, take a deep breath. Go for the walk. Take that pause. This is how you tone your nervous system to be more resilient in the face of discomfort. But also, learn how to be less “triggerable”. And the only way to do that is to pay attention to the meanings you assign to the things people say, and the events that you wish didn’t happen.

Again, emotional regulation does not mean suppressing emotion. The goal is not to let things outside your control dictate your inner state. And over time, you’ll begin to notice your habitual meaning-making patterns. You recognize the particular stories that arise when you feel uncertain, rejected, or scared. And you’ll notice your reactivity.

You’ll also begin to notice when other people are operating inside their own stories. And that’s when something cool happens: you stop assuming that their every reaction is about you. Instead, you start seeing behavior as information about their own internal state rather than as a verdict about your worth.

Ps – I am not sharing this from a pedestal. I work hard at this, and often fail. But this is truly “the work”.

2. Accept, at a deep level, that you cannot change other people

Most people spend enormous amounts of mental and emotional energy focused on how someone else should be different. If only they were more communicative. If only they were more consistent. If only they were more self-aware.

That is why one of the most liberating lessons is: people can only meet you where they are – mentally and emotionally. Not where you want them to be. You can’t heal someone into becoming the partner you need. You can’t love someone into emotional maturity. No matter how much you care, people can only meet you at their level of readiness, capacity, and commitment.

People only change when they’re ready - when the pain of staying the same outweighs the fear of changing. That’s just how it is. Someone else’s growth is not your responsibility. It’s their path, their timing, their work.

Instead of asking, “How do I get them to change?”
You begin asking, “What do I want to do in response to what I’m seeing?”

That question restores agency. Agency is one of the foundations of a healthy relationship with yourself.

3. Let yourself be happy

For many people, personal growth becomes another form of self-monitoring and another area where they feel behind.

But much of the work of evolving is not about fixing. It is about allowing yourself to be happy. Many of us carry unconscious rules about happiness. That it must be earned, that it will be taken away, or that something bad will follow.

So we postpone it. We think, “after I heal more.” “After I accomplish more.”

After I become better.

But joy is the path. You don’t have to be miserable to achieve, and you don’t have to tolerate misery in a relationship. So ask yourself:

What feels genuinely enjoyable to me right now?
What activities make me lose track of time?
Where do I feel most like myself?

Then give those things more of your energy.

Photo by Dan Torres on Unsplash

4. Choose yourself before seeking to be chosen

When you are not clear about what you value, it becomes easy to shape yourself around whoever is in front of you. When you are not clear about your needs, it can be tempting to minimize them to maintain a connection. This creates suffering.

Choosing yourself means developing enough clarity about what matters to you so that you can assess whether a situation fits your life, rather than organizing your energy around whether you are wanted. You begin to define the kind of relationship you are seeking, the level of emotional availability you require, and the things you can realistically live with. You become an advocate for your heart. As this clarity strengthens, your thinking changes.

Instead of asking how to get someone to choose you, you start asking whether this is a dynamic you would choose. That shift builds self-trust and moves you into a more trusting, grounded relationship with yourself.

5. Actively train yourself for gratitude

We always have a choice to focus on what is wrong or to focus on what is right.

The truth is this: when your attention repeatedly scans for problems, life tends to feel like a series of problems. When your attention regularly includes what is good, supportive, or sufficient, life begins to feel better. This is not forced, fake positivity. It is deliberate attention. You might ask what went reasonably well today, what felt slightly easier than it used to, or where you experienced small moments of support. These questions expand perception, and as perception widens, we create the conditions to be more thankful. This applies to relationships, too.

6. Choose environments and relationships that support who you are becoming

You become a reflection of what you surround yourself with.

The people you keep close shape your energy, your beliefs, and the way you see yourself. When you place yourself in environments that honor growth, honesty, and personal responsibility, you naturally begin to rise to that level. And pay attention to who makes you feel seen, supported, and loved – those are your people.

7. Raise the standard for who receives access to you

Standards are not about control or punishment. They are about discernment. They determine where your emotional energy is invested. When you repeatedly give access to people who are inconsistent, unavailable, or dismissive, you pay the price with your mental and physical health.

We all have to evaluate whether someone treats our feelings with care, whether their behavior is consistent over time, and whether their actions demonstrate genuine regard for our presence in their life. When you are discerning about the people who get access to your inner world, you send yourself a clear message: you have value. This not only raises your self-worth but also makes your life much, much better.

Do you have anything else you would add to this list? Would love to hear from you!

Love,
Jillian