How Givers Become Takers

You can stop the pattern.

Hi there,

Last week, I wrote to you about the basic desire to give in a relationship. That desire is a good thing — not something to run away from. But there’s a version of giving I’ve seen over and over in my 20 years of doing this work: Giving that’s born from a place of neediness.

It’s how we become takers in relationships, even when we set out to give.

Neediness can be a dirty word — and the reality is you have a basic set of human needs that any relationship should meet: To be valued, seen, and understood. To have fun. To grow together.

But a relationship isn’t the only pathway to meeting these needs, and basic, common, healthy needs become neediness when we go into dating with the attitude that our partner is the missing piece to fulfillment. It’s the feeling of “what can you do for me?” instead of “how can we build something together?”

It’s transactional.

When we get into relationships because we feel so unfulfilled inside and see our partners as our ticket to happiness — we become takers instead of givers.

Here’s what I mean.