Don’t text your ex on Valentine’s Day.

Put the phone down.

Hi there,

Before I get into today’s newsletter, I want to invite you to join me in New York City for a special event!

I’m so excited to have the unbelievable Case Kenny join me for a conversation about my book, It Begins With YOU, in New York City on February 26. It’s going to be a powerful evening of real talk, relatable stories, and transformative tools — and you can buy tickets that include a copy of my book and the opportunity to meet and take photos together. You can buy your tickets here. I can’t wait to see you!

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I wouldn’t blame you if you’ve given into the marketing superstorm around Valentine’s Day — or if you’re just feeling lonely this time of year. So many readers are going through it right now, and a looming Hallmark holiday with pressure to find an Instagram-worthy love is enough to bring on some bad judgement.

Photo by DuoNguyen on Unsplash

So maybe when tomorrow rolls around, you’ll want to text your ex. It could be a friendly inside joke or an innocuous check in. Or maybe you’ll wake up and focus on the fact that you don’t have a relationship. And then you’ll romanticize your ex partner. You might head to their social media. And then—

Take a breath. Relax your shoulders and your jaw.

You don’t want to text your ex. Here’s why.

The desire to text your ex on a holiday — Valentine’s Day, a birthday, or really anything — doesn’t mean you actually miss them. It just means that perhaps you’re lonely. Or painfully reminded of the lack of romantic love in your life. It’s just an impulse — and you get to decide what meaning you give it.

Wanting to text your ex isn’t evidence that they are the right person for you. It doesn’t mean they’re special. There are plenty of reasons why you might want to reach out, like:

1. You miss your life with your ex. Maybe that relationship meant access to a group of friends you lost in the breakup, or the best elements of being a couple on the social scene — double dates, dinner parties, etc. It meant having someone to share the weight of everyday life with.

2. You miss the highs and ignore the lows. There is truly no magic trick like Valentine’s Day’s ability to make you forget why you broke up in the first place. Your Instagram feed will be flooded with loving posts showing perfect couples in perfect love. It’s easy to think that you and your ex used to look like that, too. Of course you did — every couple is perfectly capable of a highlight reel of beautiful moments. You can easily remember the first date or the first I love you. But that magic trick is a powerful sedative — it erases the reality of the relationship and how you felt. It can even erase why it ended.

3. The world is tough right now, and you’re feeling lonely. I get it. I really do. But the reality is that there are worse things than being alone. A relationship where you aren’t heard or seen is worse than being alone. A relationship where you aren’t safe is worse than being alone. You deserve better than the relationship that didn’t work out — no matter how scary loneliness feels.

In each of these cases, you’re not missing your ex as a person. And it’s no wonder: Your ex is your ex for a reason.

I don’t blame you if you feel tempted — there’s an entire mega-industry dedicated to making you feel inadequate in love. Hollywood, Hallmark, Hinge — you name it. But you can decide to protect your heart tomorrow. You can decide you’re worth taking care of.

For some of us, tomorrow’s just another day. We’ll go to work, walk our dogs, see our friends, have a night to ourselves, or spend time with family.

But if Valentine’s Day brings up anxiety or sadness, you can reach out to your support network — friends or siblings or your comfort movie. Or you can comment here — I’d love to hear from you.

Love,
Jillian

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