How to Pick Available People
Let’s demystify love-bombing
Hi there,
I’m back with another reader question. Keep them coming!
This question is filled with things that will resonate with so many Love Weekly readers, and I’m really excited to dive into this question about love bombing and attachment wounds.
I KEEP finding avoidantly attached partners. It usually comes with the love bombing at the beginning before turning into what seems like total disinterest. I love love and romantic gestures, so the love bombing totally works on me, but then I find myself confused and sad when he changes his tune. Is there anything I can do early on (within the first month or two) in dating to figure this out before I start to attach?
—From an anxiously attached reader and fan
Sound familiar? I know this reader isn’t alone, so let’s get into it.
The first thing I want to touch on is your admitted love of romance and romantic gestures. I’m not judging you — we all love some romance! Being pampered and swept off your feet can be intoxicating, and it’s a lovely pleasure in this life.
But I want to challenge your romanticism. Many people believe romance is enough to build a relationship. But unfortunately, it isn’t. Remember, a relationship is about what happens after the honeymoon phase ends. It’s about showing up for each other consistently in the mundane and difficult moments alike.
My guess is that your prospective partners know that the way to your heart is through romantic gestures, and while it’s possible that they’re “love bombing” or using these gestures to manipulate you, I want to offer another perspective on this. Perhaps these people are just as romantic as you are — and they’re a bit impulsive about the way they show it.
To be honest, I’m skeptical of the label. I see this a lot with people who are labeled as love bombers: They put the other person on a pedestal, and once the relationship gets real and the person has basic human needs or integrates the love bomber into their ordinary life, the love bomber leaves. At times, it’s less about emotional manipulation and much more about emotional immaturity. They couldn’t manage their excitement about you long enough to build something real.
It’s not your fault that you got put on a pedestal, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take responsibility for your part in the dynamic.
If you’re the recipient of what feels like love bombing, I want you to ask yourself if you’re actually interested in who this person really is — beyond their romantic gestures.
Ask yourself: What do you like about them? Do you think they have good strength of character? Have you observed the way they treat the other people in their life? What exists beyond their gestures? And, more importantly, what do you feel beyond the dizzying hormonal high that comes from being swept off your feet?
We talk about love and seduction as if they’re the same thing, but they’re entirely separate. The things that turn you on are short term, while the things that make you feel loved are long term — and they can create a real, solid foundation for a relationship to thrive.
To be clear: I’m not saying seduction isn’t relevant. But, we want to be engaging by being our true selves with a little added flirt. And I want to challenge you to be discerning. Do you feel supported by this person? Can you see them becoming integrated into your life?
Often the romantic gestures can put blinders on the recipient, and it feels like that’s what the reader is going through. My instinct tells me there have been signs she might have ignored that could have led her to make different coupling choices.
So, the next time you find yourself feeling the buzz that comes with the intensity of a lot of attention, try grounding yourself as firmly in reality as possible. Remind yourself that what’s important is feeling stable, supported, and listened to in a relationship.
Tell yourself that you require more than romance. You require consistency, curiosity, and tangible support. That’s what a real relationship is made of.
Love,
Jillian
More posts from Love Weekly
1. How to move on after a situationship
Some of the worst emotional pain can come from a situationship — an undefined, intense relationship — ending. It’s a complicated kind of grief — and one that can reveal deeper wounds within us. Read more.
2. Sometimes, we just need to know when to call it.
So many of us don’t listen to our intuition and push that inner voice to the side. Read more.
3. The green flags they must have
Green flags aren’t just a checklist of things to like in a potential partner. It’s a way of assessing your own behavior in dating, too. Read more.
4. Date yourself.
We have to date ourselves with openness and curiosity. It’s the key to both attracting a partner and sustaining a relationship. Read more.