How to protect your heart without building walls

My go-to tricks

Hi there,

I understand that if you’ve been hurt before, your self-protection instinct might be in overdrive. And it’s good to protect your heart — that’s been our entire theme this month. 

But this week, I want to talk about how to protect your heart without closing yourself off to love. It’s possible, but it requires that you stay open to the people who deserve your emotional vulnerability. 

We need to start by acknowledging that all romantic love comes with the risk of pain. The courage to be vulnerable is the courage to be vulnerable to heartbreak. 

So while I always want to encourage you to open your heart, reveal your feelings, and be brave enough to ask for what you need in a relationship, I don’t believe you should open up to just anyone. I know it can be hard to decipher when to put up a wall and when to open the door, so I’ll be breaking down the difference. It’s called discernment — and it’s the answer to being too open or too closed off.

Before we get to discernment, let’s look at your relationship history and see where you got unnecessarily hurt by ignoring red flags or were too available to the wrong people. 

When this happens, we reframe our memories to become the victim of the other person, but I find the true learning and empowerment comes from accepting that you let this person in — you opened yourself up to them. 

And that means you have the power to heal from it.

First, forgive yourself — it happens to everyone. We’re all looking for connection, and when there’s a certain level of chemistry, we become blind to the flaws in a person or in a dynamic. 

Once you’ve given yourself some grace, get curious. Knowing that you attach easily after physical intimacy, did you sleep with them without a conversation about what it would mean to both of you once you did? Did you ignore warning signs like their history of cheating? Did you ask them how they were feeling about you as you were developing big feelings? 

For some people, protecting their heart is learning how to communicate instead of being a ruminator. For some people, protecting their heart is not letting just anyone who you have chemistry with into your heart and instead requiring that people earn your trust. Or maybe it’s just being more cognizant of the types of people you’re letting in. Do you find yourself attracted to the same types — types that may be very charming but often don’t have strong character?  Do you have a savior complex that makes you want to rescue the person you’re with from their afflictions or addictions? 

Now, if you can be vigilant about the people you let in, you’ll immediately see a shift in your perspective on your relationships. It will put the ball back in your court. 

The magic word here is discernment. 

I want you — especially if you have a very turbulent dating past — to be as discerning as possible when it comes to deciding whether or not to open up to someone. I always love to share this trick for discernment: Imagine you’re giving your best friend advice. Would you tell your best friend to open up to this potential partner?

If you’re still having trouble trusting yourself about who is a “good” or “bad” person to open up to, go slow. Open up a little each time you see them, and observe how it’s received. Do they respond by opening up to you too? Are they present, interested, and curious to know more? Do you find that your connection deepens the more you open up to each other? With more vulnerability, is your relationship progressing? Or is not progressing and revealing a red flag?

You could have your friends and family meet the person before you seriously commit to them. You could also do some light fact checking, or ask your friends to introduce you to someone so that you have some background about who they are and whether or not they’re looking for something serious. Just knowing what someone’s intentions are from the outset of the relationship can relieve some of the anxiety of early dating. 

Sometimes, we settle for less in relationships because we believe we don’t deserve the same level of love our family and friends do. But I’m here to tell you that a fulfilling, honest romantic relationship is possible, but you just have to be willing to keep your heart open so that it can find you. 

Love,
Jillian