I’m anxious. He’s avoidant.
How do I handle it?
Hi there,
I’m answering a reader question this week — one I get over and over again.
My boyfriend says he wants more nights to himself, but it makes me super anxious to take space apart. How do I deal with it? Is this normal?
To start, this discomfort is absolutely common — and it usually comes down to communication around needs.
Attachment theory aside: In any relationship, we will always be straddling the line between togetherness and separateness, between connection and autonomy, between dependence and independence. Every single one of us are autonomous beings, and when we get into a relationship, we’re tasked with the delicate dance of incorporating another autonomous being into our life and figuring out how to remain autonomous and connected.
The dance metaphor holds true: Couples have to work together to maintain the balance of their individual needs. Sometimes, a partner will want freedom or autonomy, and other times, they’ll want closeness. Sometimes, those needs are aligned: They each want a night together on Tuesday and miraculously want a night to themselves on Wednesday. For those couples, the dance is easier to navigate — they’re almost always in sync.
But I really urge people to understand that they can’t go into a relationship with the expectation that they’ll always be 100% aligned all the time with their partners. So in those moments of having different needs — autonomy or togetherness — couples will need to figure out how to communicate with each other.
It helps to have a sense of where each partner stands going in. If one of you is more wired for togetherness and one of you is more wired for autonomy — remember, this wiring depends on your family of origin — you’ll have some work ahead to figure out how you both can feel fulfilled inside of the relationship. And the reality is that some people never do: Their core needs are misaligned, and so it’ll always be a battle. That’s a relationship to walk away from.
But couples can strike a balance when they go in with complementary needs, an understanding of each individual’s needs, and a commitment to working through the imbalances. So, I encourage you to begin by asking yourself about your own needs.
Do I feel anxious when there isn’t a feeling of togetherness? What soothes that anxiety?
Do I avoid togetherness? What does that type of connection make me feel?
Partners can answer these questions together, too. Because fundamentally, a relationship can only thrive when both partners’ needs are being met. If that balance is a dance, you’ll need to both be in sync with the music. Your needs around closeness and autonomy will have to have some common ground.
With that information in mind, I want to speak directly to the reader — and so many others who have asked the same question.
Asking for space has such a negative connotation — usually, when someone wants space, they’re asking for space from the relationship. But that’s super different from asking for some alone time. From the reader’s question, my only concern is: How many nights a week? Is everything going well in your relationship? How did he request it? Context matters.
Sometimes, when people ask for a night to themselves, they’re saying: I cherish my alone time — it’s part of who I am. I feel rejuvenated after time to myself, and then I can give back to the relationship even more.
Maybe they have a hobby they don’t share with their partner, and so going to their yoga class or painting studio or running club is a way to nourish themselves as a whole human being. They also might want to spend a night with their friends, pouring into those relationships that add to the full picture of their life. These are good things.
No one is just someone’s partner. No one is just someone’s spouse. Every partner is also a friend, a family member, a parent, and an entirely independent person — and that’s good. It means they can bring so much more to the relationship. It nourishes the relationship.
However, it’s very easy for that good to get lost without communication. We need to feel like our romantic relationships won’t fall apart just because we’re actually nurturing other aspects of our lives that add to our completeness as a human being.
To the reader, I would encourage you to do some self-reflective work here. When your boyfriend asks for a night apart, what comes up for you? What are you afraid of? Is there a real threat to your relationship, or is there a potential that a night apart could nourish your boyfriend and therefore nourish the relationship? Again, context matters. The request for alone time doesn’t necessarily mean avoidance.
But, if you suspect avoidance — if you feel them pulling away, this is when you must speak up. You’ll need to get vulnerable with your partner — and very direct. “I feel like you’re pulling away, and it feels difficult for me to navigate. Can we talk about this?” And you can ask him: What does a night off mean for you? What can we do to connect before and after?
Couples absolutely need to be able to have these conversations — and simply demystifying how each of you experience autonomy and togetherness can go a long way toward taming insecurity. That way, when your boyfriend wants to spend a night at home cooking his favorite meal that you’re allergic to or spend a long Sunday out with his friends, you’ll be able to understand how he’s nourishing himself to bring a better self back to the relationship. And you likely could use the time to recalibrate as well.
Speaking up takes courage, but initiating conversations like this means choosing yourself.
I’ve even put together a free workbook on choosing yourself.
Choose Yourself: Break Patterns and Become Your Most Secure Self is yours for free immediately when you pre-order my new book, It Begins With YOU: The 9 Hard Truths About Love that Will Change Your Life.
This instant-download, 23-page workbook is free and available for anyone who preorders or has pre-ordered the book — today.
You’ll learn what it means to choose yourself — and, critically, what it doesn’t mean. You’ll receive clear, actionable steps to start living the life you are meant to live — which includes your love life. I can’t wait for you to dive in. May it guide you toward a life filled with more intuition, purpose, and meaning.
There’s more!
You’re invited to a special event on Sunday, January 19th, 2025 at 1pm EST, 10am PST when you pre-order my book!
Join me and world renowned relationship expert and The New York Times Bestselling Author Matthew Hussey for an incredible live (virtual) event where you’ll learn how to create your most powerful and empowered year in love yet.
If you know you want to order my book, then today is the day so you can get Choose Yourself sent immediately to your inbox! (Make sure you type in your email address correctly without any typos!)
Love,
Jillian