An avoidant broke my heart.

Let’s unpack the story.

Hi there,

This week, we’re exploring avoidance and fear of commitment, and I’m answering a reader’s question about getting her avoidant partner back.

Dear Jillian,

I’m a year out of a 10-year marriage filled with toxic emotional abuse, affairs (his, not mine), addiction, etc etc etc. We have three kids, so I’m figuring that out, but life certainly hasn’t turned out as planned. 

Anyway, a year after we separated I felt like I met the man of my dreams. He was teaching yoga at my studio, and we chatted each week before/after class — there was a strong connection. He was in a relationship (with someone who lived a thousand km away), but then they broke up and we started dating. 

The chemistry, alignment of values, life interests, communication, family values, feeling of safety, liking each other for who we actually were — in all our deep human-ness — was just amazing. I had never met someone I adored so whole-heartedly and who made me feel so safe, so held, and free at the same time. It was perfect. Until it wasn’t. 

For no real reason, about three months in he slammed on the brakes and started back-pedaling. I had done so much work on myself at this point and was happy to (gently at first, with increasing firmness) ask “Hey what’s going on? You don’t really seem as into this as you did” — and he wasn’t, for no reason he could tell me other than all along he had told me he was a little avoidant. When things get too close, he just shuts down. He’s scared for anyone to see the real him. He feels like then people will just know he’s nothing on the inside. 

It broke me. This beautiful, healthy, boundaried, emotionally available man who was wildly falling in love with me and leading the way entirely talking about the future —moving in together, introducing our kids — just basically disappeared into a puff of smoke overnight.

So please tell me how to date an avoidant attachment person — and how to get him back. I’m giving him all the space for now as he wants to do the work of seeing a therapist (as am I) and hoping if and when it’s right, it will come back around. I told him I could hold space for him, he said he couldn’t be in a relationship and needs to do this work on his own. I’m relatively securely attached — probably borderline love addict. I’m not obsessed with having someone, but I did (and do) want him — for who he is and what we had together.

I understand how upsetting this must be for you, but I think it’s worth taking a step back and looking at the man you want without being clouded by your feelings for him. 

You mentioned you were in a long marriage with toxicity and abuse. And it’s not uncommon to get entirely swept off our feet in the first relationship after we leave a marriage. 

And what I’m about to say is direct: You sound deeply enamored of this man, but you also mentioned a fair number of red flags from the start.

I want to start by saying that I don’t have all the nuance of your situation — I only can answer based on the information I have. But I do think there is some reason for concern that he was in a relationship, and he ended it immediately in order to start dating you without taking any time in between to grow or learn from the previous relationship. Not to mention: Did he end that relationship with integrity? Yes, sometimes true, lasting love comes from relationships without ideal timing. But given how things went with him, I’m comfortable calling his timing a red flag.

You also mention safety and alignment — these are definitely green flags in any relationship. But you also only spent three months getting to know this person, and the first three months is without question the lustful, intense honeymoon phase. I’m wondering if maybe you weren’t totally processing your enthusiasm in a way that allowed you to be discerning. 

Photo by Natalia Trofimova on Unsplash

Three months just isn’t enough time to have a full picture of alignment or to create true, lasting safety — especially if he only just got out of his last relationship. You can’t call him the man of your dreams if you don’t know him. You can be excited to see where it goes. You can feel like it’s the best you’ve felt in a long time. But you don’t actually know him — and you can’t put him on a pedestal. Given your history of toxicity and abuse, you have to go extra slowly. You have to protect your heart.

There could be a few reasons why he might have pumped the brakes. Maybe he didn’t process his previous relationships, and it caught up with him. Or maybe he didn’t process his enthusiasm, either, so he got immaturely caught up like a teenager — and when things started to get real, it was too much for him.

I do want to give you some full-throated encouragement: Good for you for speaking up gently and then with increasing firmness. I imagine this was different than how you’d been able to speak up for yourself in the past. And that’s tremendous growth! I want you to harness that ability to speak up for yourself and to protect yourself. It’s going to serve you going forward.

I want to be clear. This man isn’t just “avoidant.” He seems to have far deeper issues of low self-worth.

His fear of being seen is a big concern you can’t ignore. I understand that sometimes, people tell us these fears, and we think they’ll be different with us. Or, it won’t be that big of a problem. But, it is — as evidenced by his erratic behavior. When someone claims that they struggle with receiving love, I want you to use that advocating voice inside to ask some follow up questions: When does the shutting down usually happen? What does it look like? What is it about you that you don’t like about yourself? 

And I would ask you: When he told you how avoidant he was, did that concern you? Did that self-protective, advocate voice pop-up and then you justified it away?

Someone with an avoidant attachment style doesn’t necessarily shut down at three months — all attachment exists on a spectrum. But what he is dealing with is deep insecurity, and I have to tell you: After what you’ve been through, I don’t think you want this. I want you to let go of the avoidant label and instead look at what’s in front of you: someone who isn’t mature enough to make a healthy relationship with you. Someone whose self-worth is so low that he might not really know who he is.

You need someone who can co-create lasting safety with you. Not someone who will break up with his partner for you. Not someone who won’t show you who they truly are. Not someone who shuts down because he can’t be seen. Not someone who initiates movement toward the long-term and then backpedals when it gets real. 

I need you to really examine the story you’re telling yourself. He gave you many, many clues that he’s not the emotionally available, man-of-your-dreams you say he is. 

So when you ask me how to date someone who’s avoidant — and specifically how to get this man back — I’m going to (lovingly) say no. I want you to date someone who’s grounded. Who knows who he is. Some who has worked on his attachment issues and can show up for you and your kids. Someone who has a true sense of self worth.

Because you need that. You’ve been through enough. And your kids need to see you choosing yourself. 

My final question to you is: Do you have that critical sense of self-worth? How are you healing yourself after everything you went through? 

It’s not about getting him back. It’s about protecting yourself from more relationship drama.

Love,
Jillian

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