The Myth Of The Right Partner
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Hi there,
We decide who we build a life with — and it’s maybe the most important decision we’ll ever make.
Understandably, we want to make the right choice for our life partner — but I want to add some nuance with a deep dive into “rightness,” because ultimately much of this conversation rests on a myth.
Unquestionably, there are people out there who are right for you. And there are those who are very wrong for you. But I want to break down three key beliefs that make up the Myth of the Right Partner — beliefs that cloud your ability to see right from wrong.
I’ve watched as these beliefs have caught fire on social media — and how they’ve come to define a mythic “right” partner. But they don’t reflect the truth — and they’re standing in the way of true partnership.
Let’s get into it.
Belief #1: The right person is a super-evolved, mega-human who will create a perfect relationship with you.
Your “right” partner will be the world’s most skilled communicator. Their attachment wounds will be fully healed, leading them firmly into secure attachment. They won’t disappoint you — not ever, and they’ll be electric in bed. This perfect, right partner won’t have any ability to hurt you.
We have to step back and see the powerful influence of romanticism that has led us to this fantasy. It’s Hallmark-thinking to believe that someone perfect will show up and make up for all of our shortcomings and protect us from ever feeling difficult things — or even pain — ever again. Life doesn’t work that way, and neither does partnership.
And there’s a difficult truth in this desire for a super-evolved, perfectly healed partner: Like finds like. People with a similar level of consciousness — the deeper understanding of self and others, maturity level, emotional intelligence, and self-worth — find each other.
You probably have some growing left to do — all of us do, to varying degrees. And it doesn’t mean that you’re unworthy of love and partnership or that you can’t have happy and healthy love. Likewise, your partner isn’t going to be perfectly evolved and healed — but you can together grow and co-create a healthy dynamic. You can each bring skills and wounds to the table — and you can support and sharpen each other as you grow.
Every single person you date will have wounds and baggage and things that annoy you, and it goes both ways. The measure of rightness isn’t perfection, it’s: Can we actually as a team make life better?
It doesn’t mean waiting for the right person to show up and fix everything. It means a willingness to grow as a person and within a relationship. A willingness to reflect on ourselves and our patterns. To overcome fears and excavate the dysfunctional parts of ourselves.
And it’s accepting the same in a partner — instead of seeking perfection, you’ll need to seek a willingness to take accountability that matches your own.
How to survive the dark night of the soul
When my husband left me right after a miscarriage — all while my mom was dying — I went into a deep, deep darkness. It was a true dark night of the soul. Dark really is the word — it felt like stumbling around, trying to find the light. I didn’t know then that my dark night of the soul would end up being one of the most life-changing experiences of my life. The way out is through, and something better, newer, and bigger is on the other side.
Belief #2: We should be paranoid about narcissism and toxicity.
I’m seeing a rising suspicion about narcissism and toxicity that borders on paranoia — and to be frank, it’s creating an ego-based victim mindset for many daters. It’s a disempowered place to be, and I want to help you approach dating with agency and power instead of helplessness.
Narcissism and toxicity are deeply real, deeply hurtful traits that can do tremendous harm. And we’re right to be vigilant and protect our hearts — especially if we’ve come out of something particularly destructive.
But once the beliefs trend into “all men are narcissists” or “all women are toxic” — and we ascribe every discomfort to toxicity and narcissism, we’re shutting down a whole swath of behaviors that don’t rise to the level. And what I keep seeing is that the fear of someone being toxic or narcissistic overpowers the desire to give anyone a chance.
I understand wanting to protect yourself — and we should want to keep ourselves out of harm’s way. But if you find yourself giving up on people right away and being eager to label them a toxic narcissist, I’d encourage you to sit with the evidence.
Is this person really toxic? Or did they push on an attachment wound of mine? Did they inadvertently hurt my feelings, and would I be willing to communicate and receive an apology?
Can I communicate the unmet need and give them an opportunity to respond? Does this rise to the true level of toxicity, or am I buying into a buzzword?
How to reclaim your life after a divorce or a big breakup.
When a big break up happens, there’s a loss of identity on top of the pain and heartbreak. This is what I want to talk about: How to find yourself again and how to meet yourself in this new form — when you’re no longer someone’s spouse or serious partner.
Belief #3: The last relationship didn’t work out because I was with the wrong person.
If you’re looking back on our past relationships thinking if only they’d been the right person, it all would have worked out, I want to challenge you to get really honest with yourself.
Were they the wrong person? Or did you two co-create a dynamic that brought out the worst in each other? Put another way: Could it be that you were wrong for them, too?
They could have been the wrong person — absolutely. But if we can’t look within and see how we contributed, we won’t grow and meet the right person. Sometimes, we have to accept that we’ve hurt people, we haven’t shown up as we should, and we’ve broken hearts. It doesn’t make us bad people. We’ve all made mistakes — it’s the reality of dating and partnership.
You may have had the wrong partner, but that’s only part of the story. And if the “right” partner showed up today — without you having done any reflection and growth on your role in your past relationships — you’ll end up in the wrong dynamic again.
Remember: This isn’t meant to be discouraging. It’s about regaining power and agency. You can heal and grow so that you can co-create a better dynamic next time. You can create a better future — this is in your hands.
“Right” isn’t what you thought.
Those myths or false beliefs lead to a version of rightness that won’t pan out in the long run. That’s because rightness isn’t like it is in movies or even on social media. It’s a constellation of factors of compatibility, shared values, attraction, and care.
I define a partner who’s right for each of us as someone with whom we can navigate the harshness of life as a team. It’s someone who will work on repair with us, who will grow with us, and who will be invested in making life better for both of us. It’s someone we want to sleep with — and someone we’re willing to work at to maintain desire long-term.
It comes from sharing the same values and having the same understanding of what makes a life well lived. That’s what makes a person right.
Love,
Jillian
In case you missed these posts:
How to date as an anxiously attached person
This week, I’m going to dive into dating and sex as an anxiously attached person. We’ll get into the roots of your anxious attachment, and I’ll outline how you can manage your anxious attachment while seeing someone new. (And, we’ll also get into some common anxiously attached traps — and find a way out.)
Date yourself.
I don’t want to discourage anyone who wants a relationship from accepting and honoring that desire — but before any of us can look outward, we absolutely must develop our relationships with ourselves. We have to date ourselves with openness and curiosity. It’s the key to both attracting a partner and sustaining a relationship. Let’s break down your basic human needs. Then, we’ll look at how — and how well — you meet your needs.
The 8 Tough Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Leave Your Relationship
When we’re faced with the difficult decision of whether to stay or go, it can feel almost impossible to apply logic and reason. Our emotions understandably take over. I’ve put together my 8 questions I always ask couples when they are deciding to separate or work through it, and they require self-reflection, bravery, and honesty.
I love how you define the “right” partner, it mirrors the kind of partner I work to be in relationship.
When we show up centered in open hearts, with curiosity toward ourselves and our partner, with a commitment to growth and evolution we give our relationship a chance to flourish. That being said, I’d add a 4th false belief.
“With the right person it will be easy”. This is simply not true. Relationships built on honesty, vulnerability…realness…can be challenging at times, there will be conflict/and rubs due to the authenticity. The “hard” is an invitation to love and be loved deeper, to go past your edges. This can be a tough journey but it shouldn’t be suffering.
Great article, thank you Jillian. I really needed to read this at this time. I’m having a break now from my fiancé.
He is a lovely guy but with a complex life. He was in a very toxic, unhealthy and unhappy relationship for 20 years, and for the last 10 he was a single parent of an autistic child, because his partner at the time just decided to focus on herself to become a bodybuilder and participate in biking competitions, spending a lot of money, that she didn’t make, in bikinis, trainers, supplements, etc.
We met at our photography club, I knew he was married, didn’t know all the drama, so I wasn’t interested in him. We started working on a photography project together and felt a connection, he decided to leave that relationship, and in 5 weeks was leaving in a new place, and it was then when we started our relationship. In reality we didn’t know each other and it was a big mistake, I should have known better 🙄
The first year was ok, but then I started to notice somethings that I didn’t like, and started questioning things. I became very unhappy because I didn’t know what I was getting into and didn’t like what I found. He used to say that he was tired of being a doormat, but he never set any boundaries, so everyone took advantage of him, and he let them. It wasn’t pleasant to witness.
I became the worst version of myself, and I wanted to leave. He was always the victim and didn’t take responsibility. He was totally lost and confused and not interested in growing, in reality he didn’t know how. I tried to help but it was worse.
So, after another episode of lack of anger management and I big fight, I decided to leave.
He is more aware now and trying to improve himself and work on himself, something totally new to him.
He wants us to be back, I think we have potential, but I don’t want to live just based on potential that may never become a reality.
And suggestions?
Thanks for your input and what you put in the world.
Carolina